okay, so after all that crappy news, I had a minor break down on Sunday night. I just lay in bed and cried for ages. I felt so lost and so helpless. my world is spinning faster and faster, and I cant control it anymore.
when Sweetheart lost his job, I put him on my insurance at work. I figured that once my annual raise was figured in, I would be taking home the same amount as this year. of course, then they didnt give me a raise at work, so I am now taking home a lot less.
and, of course, now we have a mortage. and the utilies for a two story home are much higher than they were at Sweethearts little apartment. I knew all that beforehand, I just didnt realize the amount of stress I would be feeling. being the sole income earner is very difficult. I feel guilty for taking time off or sick time, because Im afraid that it makes me look like a bigger expense to the company and that if they have to lay off more people, they will be looking at me.
while Im not a tightwad, I am much stricter in general about spending money than Sweetheart is. I never count my chickens before they hatch. Im always super cautious. and while that can be a good thing, it also means that my worries are huge.
I try not to worry. I really do. but when you have almost completely depleted your savings safety net and no extra money is in sight... its scary. I actually asked Sweetheart to apply for food stamps, because sometimes we honestly dont have money for groceries. they turned us down. I hope this doesnt offend anyone, but it was embarrassing for me to actually have to apply, and then for them to turn us down... like, we dont have any money!! do we have to lose our new house before we can get help??? do I have to go to the food bank and literally be taking food away from homeless people instead of getting food stamps? I mean, I have cousins who NEVER work and pop kids out without ever getting married, and they have food stamps and cash assistance and WIC. we are struggling and spent all our savings and are down to the bottom and just now asking for help, and we cant get any?? its frustrating and demeaning and makes me heartsick.
we only have one car, and the bus doesnt run near our house, but Sweetheart has applied at every Circle K and grocery store and fast food chain for miles, in addition to every job in the field he was in before he got laid off. NOTHING.
then, on Monday morning, his CNA license number came in. oh, I cried tears of joy. now he can get a CNA job!! he went down to where my brother in law works, applied, had an interview and was hired! all in like 6 hours. I cried again. I felt like this huge monster weight was gone. I felt so light and so happy. everyone at work kept asking me what was up, since I was grinning like I hadnt since I got married. I told them all how Sweetheart got a job after not working steadily since October. I got handshakes and thumped on the back. I got hugs and squeezes. congratulatory phone calls from family members. it was the best day in my whole life since the day that I got married. for the next two days, I floated happily through life.
and then on Wednesday, Sweetheart picked me up after work. I showed him the bottle of champaigne my boss had sent home for us (we were too poor to go out for a celebratory dinner). and Sweetheart put the car in park and burst into tears. and my world fell apart, yet again.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Ugh
the weekend of June 11th was one of the worst of my life.
first, Sweetheart realized that he broke his wedding band. how he broke it, we dont know, but it was cracked and pieces were missing.
next, Sweethearts attorney called to tell us that his trial was being postponed... again. we were supposed to get this done last November, but it has been pushed back and pushed back. that was really devastating for me. I want to move on with life. until his name is cleared, he cant get his license with the State Board of Nursing and until he gets his license, he cant work. he has been out of work since October. yeah, he picked up a few one day jobs here and there, but he needs a real job. the stress of being the sole incomer earner has taken a huge toll on me. Im struggling at work and having trouble sleeping and getting migraines. Im falling apart. I try to keep it together, but I feel like Im drowning every day. I try not to cry when Sweetheart is around, because I know that not working makes him feel like a failure.
last, our puppy got sick and died. she was sick one night, and the next morning when we woke up, she was dead. Sweetheart went out to check on her, and I knew instantly. it was the last straw for him. Zoe was his first pet, you know. you can only take so much bad news in a 24 hour period. Zoe was our baby. the three of us were a little family. I had some friends who called her Zoe the Cutest Puppy Ever. and she was. she had such a cute little personality. we called her Zo-Zo and Zoetrope and Trope and Tropee. I miss her. if she came into the room when I was taking a bath, she would take a flying leap and jump in with me. I dunno why she would do that, since she hated water and never enjoyed her own baths, but it was always really cute and we would laugh at her.
sometimes, I just feel like "life sucks and then you die."
first, Sweetheart realized that he broke his wedding band. how he broke it, we dont know, but it was cracked and pieces were missing.
next, Sweethearts attorney called to tell us that his trial was being postponed... again. we were supposed to get this done last November, but it has been pushed back and pushed back. that was really devastating for me. I want to move on with life. until his name is cleared, he cant get his license with the State Board of Nursing and until he gets his license, he cant work. he has been out of work since October. yeah, he picked up a few one day jobs here and there, but he needs a real job. the stress of being the sole incomer earner has taken a huge toll on me. Im struggling at work and having trouble sleeping and getting migraines. Im falling apart. I try to keep it together, but I feel like Im drowning every day. I try not to cry when Sweetheart is around, because I know that not working makes him feel like a failure.
last, our puppy got sick and died. she was sick one night, and the next morning when we woke up, she was dead. Sweetheart went out to check on her, and I knew instantly. it was the last straw for him. Zoe was his first pet, you know. you can only take so much bad news in a 24 hour period. Zoe was our baby. the three of us were a little family. I had some friends who called her Zoe the Cutest Puppy Ever. and she was. she had such a cute little personality. we called her Zo-Zo and Zoetrope and Trope and Tropee. I miss her. if she came into the room when I was taking a bath, she would take a flying leap and jump in with me. I dunno why she would do that, since she hated water and never enjoyed her own baths, but it was always really cute and we would laugh at her.
sometimes, I just feel like "life sucks and then you die."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
SOS
okay, so people still arent holding parties. whats a girl to do?
call on all those in blogland for ideas.
what incentive could I give that would make you want to hold a sexy party? a promise that it wouldnt be rowdy? a guarantee that it would be?? lots of games and giveaways? zero games and mostly demos? a free vibrating toy to each hostess? regular hostess incentive (10% of party sales) plus one item at $25% off?
I really love my products and believe in them. when I went to my first party, I had a definite idea of what the party and the consultant would be like, and I was completely wrong. it was classy and not trashy at all. it really opened my eyes and got me thinking outside of the box. and I want to show that to other women. I feel like if I can just get my foot in the door, I could change attitudes. Im not just selling toys and pampering products. Im showing people a new direction. yeah, women know that sex feels good. but its so much more. God gave us sex to be close to each other. husbands and wives truly need to be intimate. to explore each other and themselves. to communicate. to enjoy each other. sex is playful and serious and silly and fun and sensual and mind blowing. lets give it the respect and time that it deserves. and THAT is why I want to get women to host parties.
call on all those in blogland for ideas.
what incentive could I give that would make you want to hold a sexy party? a promise that it wouldnt be rowdy? a guarantee that it would be?? lots of games and giveaways? zero games and mostly demos? a free vibrating toy to each hostess? regular hostess incentive (10% of party sales) plus one item at $25% off?
I really love my products and believe in them. when I went to my first party, I had a definite idea of what the party and the consultant would be like, and I was completely wrong. it was classy and not trashy at all. it really opened my eyes and got me thinking outside of the box. and I want to show that to other women. I feel like if I can just get my foot in the door, I could change attitudes. Im not just selling toys and pampering products. Im showing people a new direction. yeah, women know that sex feels good. but its so much more. God gave us sex to be close to each other. husbands and wives truly need to be intimate. to explore each other and themselves. to communicate. to enjoy each other. sex is playful and serious and silly and fun and sensual and mind blowing. lets give it the respect and time that it deserves. and THAT is why I want to get women to host parties.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I Joined A Cult... Or Not
anyone who reads my blog and is friends with me on Facebook already knows this, so its not like I think Im making a breathtaking announcement...
I joined a multi level marketing program. I sell Pure Romance. Ive mentioned my love for naughty parties before. I posted my sex thoughts before. so the idea of me selling Pure Romance probably isnt surprising at all.
my sister sold Avon. she lasted about 4 months. then she tried it ago in March. she didnt even place one order.
why did I get myself into this???
oh, right, because I truly love the products and I thought it would be totally fun to spend my weekends schmoozing with girls over pampering and romance items.
and Im sure it would be, except that no one wants to have any parties. SHOCKING!! I mean, I loved throwing the sexy parties! I loved being the hostess and giggling with my girls and I especially loved getting FREE stuff. I suppose I could flatter myself into thinking that I threw just the best bomb-diggity parties that no one else wants to try to live up to them, but I doubt it. I just dont get it. people want to come to my parties. why dont they want to have their own so they can get FREE stuff?? I have the stuff. I want to give it away. le sigh.
if youre on Facebook, do me a favor and "like" Pure Romance by Cheryl Ann. its... all that I have, really.
I joined a multi level marketing program. I sell Pure Romance. Ive mentioned my love for naughty parties before. I posted my sex thoughts before. so the idea of me selling Pure Romance probably isnt surprising at all.
my sister sold Avon. she lasted about 4 months. then she tried it ago in March. she didnt even place one order.
why did I get myself into this???
oh, right, because I truly love the products and I thought it would be totally fun to spend my weekends schmoozing with girls over pampering and romance items.
and Im sure it would be, except that no one wants to have any parties. SHOCKING!! I mean, I loved throwing the sexy parties! I loved being the hostess and giggling with my girls and I especially loved getting FREE stuff. I suppose I could flatter myself into thinking that I threw just the best bomb-diggity parties that no one else wants to try to live up to them, but I doubt it. I just dont get it. people want to come to my parties. why dont they want to have their own so they can get FREE stuff?? I have the stuff. I want to give it away. le sigh.
if youre on Facebook, do me a favor and "like" Pure Romance by Cheryl Ann. its... all that I have, really.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
An Email Conversation Between Friends
me: so the other day, Sweetheart and I had meat, stuffing, corn, and French bread for dinner. since we had so much of the French loaf left over, I made French toast for dinner last night. (the bread from the bakery at Safeway doesnt have preservatives in it, so it goes bad fast.) Sweetheart likes his French toast pretty thick, so I sliced it just how he liked. then I buttered it and put syrup on it and powdered sugar. he was all "oh this looks so good" and stuff. he took it to the living room so he could eat and watch TV. he set it down on the coffee table so he could find the remote, and Zoe snatched it and ran. ha ha. I laughed so hard. Sweetheart was angry and chasing her all around the house. it was awesome.
friend: Hahaha poor [Sweetheart]. Have you ever watched the Dog Whisperer? Zoe wouldn’t have done that if she considered [Sweetheart] the alpha male… She thinks she’s top dog.
Haha, I would’ve been dying laughing too if I had seen that. Did Zoe end up eating the whole thing?
me: no, what channel is the Dog Whisperer on? can I dog whisper Zoe myself? last week when I felt sick, Sweetheart went to buy himself some Panda Express, since I didnt feel like eating or cooking for him. he ate and put his leftovers in the container on the coffee table. then we went upstairs and I was in bed and he was getting me medicine and stuff to be comfortable. when he went back downstairs, Zoe had pulled his container onto the floor and eaten everything that was left. he said the container looked clean cause she licked it up. since he had already eaten what he was gonna eat, he wasnt mad and he didnt punish her at all. THATS why she thinks she is top dog! so, its his fault!
no, he was so mad about the French toast that he took it from her and threw it away. then he threw her outside. I laughed the whole time that I made more. I TOLD him that he should have spanked her when she ate the Panda Express, but he thought that was cute. I told him that its not a good idea for small dogs to think they can have people food, but he was all "she is sooo cute blah blah blah" so thats why I laughed at him last night.
friend: Hahaha poor [Sweetheart]. Have you ever watched the Dog Whisperer? Zoe wouldn’t have done that if she considered [Sweetheart] the alpha male… She thinks she’s top dog.
Haha, I would’ve been dying laughing too if I had seen that. Did Zoe end up eating the whole thing?
me: no, what channel is the Dog Whisperer on? can I dog whisper Zoe myself? last week when I felt sick, Sweetheart went to buy himself some Panda Express, since I didnt feel like eating or cooking for him. he ate and put his leftovers in the container on the coffee table. then we went upstairs and I was in bed and he was getting me medicine and stuff to be comfortable. when he went back downstairs, Zoe had pulled his container onto the floor and eaten everything that was left. he said the container looked clean cause she licked it up. since he had already eaten what he was gonna eat, he wasnt mad and he didnt punish her at all. THATS why she thinks she is top dog! so, its his fault!
no, he was so mad about the French toast that he took it from her and threw it away. then he threw her outside. I laughed the whole time that I made more. I TOLD him that he should have spanked her when she ate the Panda Express, but he thought that was cute. I told him that its not a good idea for small dogs to think they can have people food, but he was all "she is sooo cute blah blah blah" so thats why I laughed at him last night.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
30 Things to Do Before I Turn 30
1. Try some type of seafood
2. Go skinny dipping
3. Read 20 new books
4. Go to the D23 Expo
5. Get a passport
6. Watch Citizen Kane, Soylent Green, Cool Hand Luke, and Saw
7. Become a Pure Romance consultant
8. Get my eyebrows threaded
9. Dye my hair blue
10. Play a hand of Blackjack in Vegas
11. Become a shareholder in the Walt Disney Company
12. Vacation in Texas
13. Visit a city I've never been to
14. Stay the night in above city
15. Take Sweetheart to the Silver Pony
16. Lose 25 pounds
17. Bake an apple pie from scratch
18. Spend a day at the spa
19. Ride California Screamin' at DCA
20. Go on a VIP Tour at Disneyland
21. Learn to make beans from my sister's MIL
22. Get a spray on tan
23. Cook a meal with veal
24. Eat at Pizzeria Bianco
25. Trade pins with a collector
26. Learn to make rice from my cousin
27. Make a D23 scrapbook
28. Dye my hair blonde
29. Finish reading Robinson Crusoe
30. Volunteer for a political cause
2. Go skinny dipping
3. Read 20 new books
4. Go to the D23 Expo
5. Get a passport
6. Watch Citizen Kane, Soylent Green, Cool Hand Luke, and Saw
7. Become a Pure Romance consultant
8. Get my eyebrows threaded
9. Dye my hair blue
10. Play a hand of Blackjack in Vegas
11. Become a shareholder in the Walt Disney Company
12. Vacation in Texas
13. Visit a city I've never been to
14. Stay the night in above city
15. Take Sweetheart to the Silver Pony
16. Lose 25 pounds
17. Bake an apple pie from scratch
18. Spend a day at the spa
19. Ride California Screamin' at DCA
20. Go on a VIP Tour at Disneyland
21. Learn to make beans from my sister's MIL
22. Get a spray on tan
23. Cook a meal with veal
24. Eat at Pizzeria Bianco
25. Trade pins with a collector
26. Learn to make rice from my cousin
27. Make a D23 scrapbook
28. Dye my hair blonde
29. Finish reading Robinson Crusoe
30. Volunteer for a political cause
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Ooh, More Posting!!
I forgot one huge event when I posted the other: my baby sister got engaged!! she got engaged on Valentines Day. awwwwwww. they are getting married on May 15th. I know thats kinda soon, but thats just how we roll in this family. my cousin Ames is her maid of honor, and Ames and I are throwing her a bridal shower. and not just any bridal shower... a naughty one. *evil grin*
also, I mentioned that Sweetheart is in school right now. because he is gone all day long, I get to be a housewife. I stay at home and clean and cook. its awesome!! I gotta say, to all of you who get to stay at home and tend to your house, you are very, VERY blessed. I have taken this time to exercise, play with my puppy (did I mention that Sweetheart got me a puppy for Valentines?), and learn new recipes. I love having dinner all ready and served when Sweetheart walks in the door. he is gone so long that he is STARVING when he gets home, so everything that I cook is gobbled up and raved about. =) Ive really pushed myself to make new entrees and sides, and I am really proud of how much I have learned and grown as a cook.
I got a copy of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, so Sweetheart and I plan to start that now. actually, he started yesterday, but I had an attack of terrible cramps, so I laid on the couch covered with a blanket and critiqued his form. it was fun! I have put an effort into saving money and eating healthier, so hopefully a healthier, happier Pixie will be greeting you in the future!!
also, I mentioned that Sweetheart is in school right now. because he is gone all day long, I get to be a housewife. I stay at home and clean and cook. its awesome!! I gotta say, to all of you who get to stay at home and tend to your house, you are very, VERY blessed. I have taken this time to exercise, play with my puppy (did I mention that Sweetheart got me a puppy for Valentines?), and learn new recipes. I love having dinner all ready and served when Sweetheart walks in the door. he is gone so long that he is STARVING when he gets home, so everything that I cook is gobbled up and raved about. =) Ive really pushed myself to make new entrees and sides, and I am really proud of how much I have learned and grown as a cook.
I got a copy of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, so Sweetheart and I plan to start that now. actually, he started yesterday, but I had an attack of terrible cramps, so I laid on the couch covered with a blanket and critiqued his form. it was fun! I have put an effort into saving money and eating healthier, so hopefully a healthier, happier Pixie will be greeting you in the future!!
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