Lifes a Roller Coaster

okay, so after all that crappy news, I had a minor break down on Sunday night. I just lay in bed and cried for ages. I felt so lost and so helpless. my world is spinning faster and faster, and I cant control it anymore.

when Sweetheart lost his job, I put him on my insurance at work. I figured that once my annual raise was figured in, I would be taking home the same amount as this year. of course, then they didnt give me a raise at work, so I am now taking home a lot less.
and, of course, now we have a mortage. and the utilies for a two story home are much higher than they were at Sweethearts little apartment. I knew all that beforehand, I just didnt realize the amount of stress I would be feeling. being the sole income earner is very difficult. I feel guilty for taking time off or sick time, because Im afraid that it makes me look like a bigger expense to the company and that if they have to lay off more people, they will be looking at me.
while Im not a tightwad, I am much stricter in general about spending money than Sweetheart is. I never count my chickens before they hatch. Im always super cautious. and while that can be a good thing, it also means that my worries are huge.

I try not to worry. I really do. but when you have almost completely depleted your savings safety net and no extra money is in sight... its scary. I actually asked Sweetheart to apply for food stamps, because sometimes we honestly dont have money for groceries. they turned us down. I hope this doesnt offend anyone, but it was embarrassing for me to actually have to apply, and then for them to turn us down... like, we dont have any money!! do we have to lose our new house before we can get help??? do I have to go to the food bank and literally be taking food away from homeless people instead of getting food stamps? I mean, I have cousins who NEVER work and pop kids out without ever getting married, and they have food stamps and cash assistance and WIC. we are struggling and spent all our savings and are down to the bottom and just now asking for help, and we cant get any?? its frustrating and demeaning and makes me heartsick.

we only have one car, and the bus doesnt run near our house, but Sweetheart has applied at every Circle K and grocery store and fast food chain for miles, in addition to every job in the field he was in before he got laid off. NOTHING.

then, on Monday morning, his CNA license number came in. oh, I cried tears of joy. now he can get a CNA job!! he went down to where my brother in law works, applied, had an interview and was hired! all in like 6 hours. I cried again. I felt like this huge monster weight was gone. I felt so light and so happy. everyone at work kept asking me what was up, since I was grinning like I hadnt since I got married. I told them all how Sweetheart got a job after not working steadily since October. I got handshakes and thumped on the back. I got hugs and squeezes. congratulatory phone calls from family members. it was the best day in my whole life since the day that I got married. for the next two days, I floated happily through life.

and then on Wednesday, Sweetheart picked me up after work. I showed him the bottle of champaigne my boss had sent home for us (we were too poor to go out for a celebratory dinner). and Sweetheart put the car in park and burst into tears. and my world fell apart, yet again.